Becoming… first, then I’ll date

There is an idea I often hear from singles, in different forms. It is the idea of “I first need to…”

… work on myself.

… heal.

… become more confident.

… learn to trust again.

… get my life together.

… feel happy on my own.

… have more time and energy.

… thenI’ll be ready to date or be in a relationship.

And I understand the logic.

It sounds responsible. Self-aware, even. Surely it’s better to work through our problems before bringing another person into them? Sometimes, yes. But I think we’ve taken one truth—that we’re responsible for ourselves—and accidentally turned it into something that isn’t true: that we need to become some better, more healed, more secure version of ourselves before we can build a healthy relationship.

We don’t. Because our own journey doesn’t end when a relationship begins. They can happen at the same time.

We tend to think of life in chapters

First, I'll take care of this. Then I'll do that.

“When things calm down at work, I’ll have more time.”

“Once I feel better about myself, I’ll start dating.”

“Once I’ve come to terms with what happened to me, I’ll be able to let someone in.”

But life rarely works out that neatly. We raise children while figuring out how to be parents. We build careers while figuring out what we actually want from them. We build a life while figuring out what we want that life to look like. We rarely finish one part of life before beginning the next. Why would relationships be any different?

You don't have to finish your personal development before you start your journey toward a relationship. You can do both.

Let’s look at some of the things we commonly think we need to work through, fix, or become before we’re ready for a relationship.
Feel free to scroll straight to the one that sounds most like you.

• “I need to heal first.”

  Maybe you just got out of a relationship that really hurt you. Someone betrayed your trust. You lost sight of who you were along the way. You went through a difficult breakup. Or something else happened in your life that left you thinking:

  I need to heal from this before I can let someone new into my life.

  Sometimes, you do need a little time. There’s a period after being hurt when what you need might simply be to recover, make sense of what happened, and get back on your feet. There may even be times when dating genuinely isn’t where your energy should be focused for the time being. But there’s a big difference between “I need some time right now to deal with this particular thing” and “I need to be healed before I can have a healthy relationship.” Because at some point,acute recovery turns into the longer journey of ongoing healing. At that point, healing becomes something that continues while the rest of your life starts moving forward again.

  Besides, what does“healed”actually look like? No triggers? No insecurities? No painful memories that sometimes resurface? If that’s the standard, I’m not sure any of us ever become fully healed.

  A healthy relationship doesn't require two people who are already "complete." It requires two people who can continually improve their ability to understand themselves, understand each other, communicate, take responsibility, mend their relationship, and grow.

  Your ongoing health journey can continue even as you’re in a relationship. In fact, quite the opposite is true: having a loving and supportive partner by your side can make the journey easier.

  So instead of:
  Am I healed enough to date?

  Try:
  Do I genuinely need some time away from dating to deal with what’s happening right now
  — or am I subconsciously waiting until my past “no longer affects me” before I allow myself to move forward?

• “What happened to me changed me.”

  Sometimes something happens that divides life into a “before” and an “after.” A painful relationship. Betrayal. Grief. Illness. A painful chapter in childhood. Burnout. Divorce. Abuse. When something changes us deeply, it can feel as though we need to somehow put ourselves back together before we can be ready for the kind of relationship we want. This stems from the fact that, without realizing it, we slowly let “This happened to me” become “This is part of who I am.” And you think that person is broken or not good enough for the partner you imagine.

  Your story and your identity are not the same thing.

  What happened is part of your history. It may have changed you. But there is so much more to you than what happened to you. You don’t need to wait until one particularly painful part of your story feels “resolved” before you allow yourself to start writing the next part. Let moving forward look more like:

  I am who I am. This is part of my story, not my entire identity. And my story is still being written.

  You can practice this one date at a time. Let your date get to knowYOU—not just what happened to you. Share your story in bits and pieces. Notice what feels right to share and when. Let people earn the right to hear the more vulnerable parts of your story. Pay attention to who can receive your story with the care it deserves.

  If your identity and history have become deeply intertwined, seeking professional help to untangle them should be an important step in moving forward.

• “I need to become a better version of myself.”

  Maybe your version isn't healing at all. Maybe it's:

  • I need to be more confident

  • I need to love myself

  • I need to be less anxious

  • I need to get in shape

  • I need to figure out my career or

  • I need to feel comfortable being alone

  There will always be a version of us in the future who seems better suited for dating—more confident, more interesting, more successful, more secure, and more emotionally mature. And that’s great. I applaud you for striving for growth. The problem arises when growth becomes a prerequisite for participating in your own life. Because the finish line has a habit of moving…

  You become more confident—but now you need to feel more secure.
  You get the new job—but now work is too intense.
  You learn to enjoy being alone—but suddenly dating threatens the lovely life you've built.

  There will always be something else you could improve before you start.

  You are allowed to grow toward something while also moving towardsomeone.

  Fill in the blank: Before I can focus on dating, I need to become ______.
  Then ask yourself, why? What exactly do I think I won't be able to do, handle, or have until I become that person? And does it actually stop me from dating—or would it simply make dating feel a little easier and a little less scary?

  Keep becoming more confident, secure, healthy, interesting, and successful—whatever growth means to you. Just don't put off living your life—or dating—until you've become the person you're striving to be.

  (Besides, there’s something pretty amazing about finding someone who gets to know and love you just as you are now—and who also gets to watch you grow into the person you’re becoming, celebrating with you along the way.)

• “It wouldn’t be fair to bring this into a relationship.”

  This one often comes from a good place. We don't want another person to carry our emotional baggage. We don't want them to become our therapist. We don't want someone else to fix our life.

  Good. They shouldn't have to. But somewhere along the way, we seem to have confusedtaking responsibility for ourselveswithneeding to handle everything ourselves.

  Those aren't the same thing. You can be responsible for your own emotions and still tell your partner you're struggling. You can work on an insecurity and still ask for reassurance sometimes. You can take responsibility for changing a pattern while accepting support when changing it is difficult.

  That is part of what close relationships are all about. Sometimes one person has more strength and shares some of it with the other. And then, at another point in life, the roles are reversed. The important question isn’t whether you bring difficulties into a relationship. You will. So will they. The more useful question is: What do I expect the other person to do about them? There’s a big difference between “This is yours to fix” and “This is mine to work on. Can you be there for me while I do?”

• “I need to be able to trust again.”

  You were hurt. Someone left when you thought they were staying. Or they cheated. Lied. Hid things from you. Broke promises. Said one thing and did another. Or slowly gave you reasons to question what you could believe. When someone has betrayed your trust, trusting someone new can feel almost impossible. You know now how much it can hurt when you make the wrong choice. Of course you don't want to go through that again.

  After an experience like that, it’s easy to feel as thoughyour ability to trust is the problem. So you tell yourself, “I’m not going to date right now. Not until the pain fades, or the fear goes away, or the day comes when trusting someone new somehow feels natural again.”

  Time can help ease the pain, but trust isn't just something you feel. It involves certain skills—skills that help you recognize who is trustworthy.

  • You can learn to pay more attention to what someone does repeatedly, and rely less on what they say.

  • You can learn not to be surprised anymore when someone who repeatedly fails to follow through on the small things also fails to follow through on the big things.

  • You can learn to set boundaries—and use the way someone responds as a guide. If they don't respect your small"no," don't count on them suddenly respecting the big ones.

  • You can learn to let trust develop gradually instead of immediately deciding whether someone is trustworthy or not.

  • And you can learn to take what you see seriously—including walking away when someone isn't proving themselves trustworthy and investing your time in someone whose actions actually give you reasons to trust them.

  None of this guarantees that you won't get hurt. But you can get much better at recognizing who to trust, how much to trust them with, and when someone's behavior is telling you to stop altogether.

  So instead of asking,“
  ” ask,“How can I learn to trust again?”

  Try:
  How can I get better at recognizing who is trustworthy—and how much of my trust they have earned so far?

• “There’s too much going on right now.”

  Work is crazy. You're exhausted. Something is going on in your family. You need to get through this month. Then Christmas is coming. Then you have that big project at work. Then you desperately need a vacation. And suddenly another year has gone by.

  There are definitely times in life when we aren't in a position to date. But if“not right now”is becoming your go-to answer, it might be time to ask a different question: Where does finding a relationship actually rank among my life's priorities?

  Is finding a lifelong partner more important than advancing in your career?

  More important than keeping every social commitment?

  Trying out the new restaurant?

  Watching another show?

  There isn't a right answer. But if finding a lifelong relationship—and perhaps starting a family—is one of the things you want most in your life, it can't always be the first thing you give up when life gets too overwhelming.

  If reading that immediately makes you feel stressed because dating feels like one huge task you couldn't possibly take on right now —then you need to break it down into smaller steps. You don't need to find your lifelong partner this month . You just need to take the next small step.

  • Spend ten minutes on a dating app.

  • Let a friend know that you're genuinely open to being introduced to someone.

  • Talk to one new person this week.

  • Say hi to someone at work who you find interesting.

  • Make eye contact and smile at someone who caught your eye at the grocery store.

  • Pick one evening this month when you're willing to do something where you could, at least in theory, meet someone. Instead of meeting your friends at home, suggest going out for a drink after work first.

  If even figuring out where to start feels overwhelming, find someone to help you break it down.

  So instead of:
  Do I have the time and energy to date right now?

  Try:
  If finding a life partner is truly important to me, how can I make room in my busy life to devote some time and energy to it?

Your journey doesn't end when “our journey” begins

Perhaps this is the idea I want you to take away from all of this: A relationship isn't about two complete people coming together. You will have your own journey. The person you meet will have theirs. And together, you will create a third one.

Mine & Yours & Ours

At times you’ll be apart, and at other times you’ll be completely intertwined. You’ll influence each other. Support each other. Challenge each other. Sometimes you’ll need more from your partner, and at other times it’ll be the other way around. And through it all, you’ll remain two people responsible for your own lives, choices, and growth.

That isn't a contradiction. That's a healthy relationship. So yes, work on yourself. Heal what needs healing. Grow. Build confidence. You can still look for love while you do all of that. You can do both.

You've got this.
If not, we'll help you.

/Freja

Founder